Sibling Competition
Victoria Li
Growing up in an Asian community, one thing that became more apparent to me over the years was the overwhelming competition between both parents and kids. I think part of it has to do with the wide web of connections that Asians have all over the state created through tutoring centers, statewide/national competitions, clubs, organizations. It seems that everyone knows each other in some way or the other. With so many connections, competition is bound to happen. Throughout the years, I’ve been compared to numerous people. While these comparisons would sting, I could easily brush it off due to differences in age, families, or just the fact that we were very different people with different skill sets. However, one thing that I struggle with getting past, even now, is getting compared to my own sibling.
“Study hard, go to a good college”
– something many Asian Americans hear on a daily basis. My mom was no different. Of course, I understand her motivation for pushing this idea onto us. My mom had come from a family with very little opportunity; she worked hard and immigrated across the world to provide a better life for my brother and me. It made sense to her that since we were provided more opportunities than her, she expected us to do better. However, where the problems began were her ideals for a better life, that I just couldn’t seem to fulfill no matter how hard I tried. My younger brother, on the other hand, excelled. In the span of two years, the divide between my brother and I began to widen. More and more, I was told how much of a disappointment I was; I was always the main discussion of family dinners. The difference in the way my brother and I were treated became increasingly obvious. I can’t tell you just how painful it is to know for a sure fact, that you are not as loved as your sibling is. After a year with these thoughts bottling up, I finally exploded during an argument with my mom.
“ Why do you treat us so differently? Is he the favorite child or something?” I asked while breaking down.
“Yes, he is, and can you blame me?” she yelled back.
I don’t think I could've been more shocked at that moment: it is one thing to suspect, but another thing to have your suspicions confirmed. I felt the most defeated and worthless I had ever felt in my life. She later apologized for the conversation, and I forgave her, even though this would not be the last time we had this conversation. In a way, I was afraid to tell my mom how I really felt. I was afraid that my feelings would get swept away like they even didn’t matter. So, instead, I always brushed it off myself, sparing myself from the pain.
It was actually from this point on that I realized just how much I differed from my brother in my mom’s eyes. I began to see small cracks in her attitude - putting more blame on me in conflicts, making double standards for my brother - that reflected the way she saw us. It happened so often that it was almost a routine to guess and adapt to what her mood was for the day, as to not step out of place.
At first, it was easy to direct all the blame for favoritism towards one person. However, when I take a step back and look at the situation from more than one viewpoint, it becomes hard to pinpoint just whose “fault” it is. There is only so much I know from my narrative
- a story with multiple sides.
To all of the people going through a similar situation - my heart goes out to you. No one deserves to feel unwanted by the people who are supposed to make you feel loved. I can’t say I completely understand how you feel, and can’t say I know your situation at all. We may never even meet face to face and have a conversation. But, I can tell you this: it is so easy to build a wall around yourself with bottled up feelings. It is so easy to feel like you’re completely alone with yourself, buried in your emotions. It is so easy to fall into these traps, but please know that there are so many people out there who are willing to be there for you; and most importantly…