Jenny Jiang

Growing up, I attended predominantly white and Hispanic schools from elementary to the end of middle school. In elementary school, this was insignificant; I did not feel any sense of exclusion. This was probably because, as elementary schoolers, we were a lot more oblivious and innocent. I felt comfortable sharing my grades or saying that I missed school for a piano festival. I felt that no one was judging me, but I wish the same applied in middle school.

But when I went to middle school, I started noticing how few Asian kids were in my class. Especially considering how most of the Asian kids were in an advanced program called SUMMA, I barely saw any kids of my race in my classes. My middle school’s demographics were 60% white and 20% Hispanic, whereas only 8% were Asian. In comparison, the middle school that most of my Asian peers in high school attended consisted of 46% Asians. My middle school created a much less inclusive environment for me.

Throughout middle school, I was overly-attentive to the negative stigma associated with being a nerd.

Whenever we got test grades back and my friends asked me what I got, I would lie and lower my score to “fit in” with the range of scores they were getting. When one of my friends managed to see my grades in the class, she looked at me and said, “wow.” I was embarrassed to show the test scores I worked so hard for, especially since everyone around me was getting 10% lower.  I felt out of place and felt the urge to get lower test grades to conform with my classmates.

I remember one time in 7th grade, I was partnered up with a peer for a project. When a classmate saw that we were partners, he whispered to my partner, “easy A.”

I immediately felt uncomfortable and started becoming self-conscious that people were only teaming up with me for their laziness.

I also remember that I would sometimes lie about what I was doing to my friends because I felt the activities I did were “too Asian,” and they would make fun of me. For example, when my friend texted me what I was doing, I tried to think of any answer possible that was not “playing the piano.” These activities that are stereotypical Asian activities were ones my friends did not do, and I felt like admitting that I do them would make them judge me. 

For the eighth-grade graduation ceremony, I was fortunate to have been awarded two Student of the Class awards. Despite this, I felt ashamed that I was the “teacher’s pet.”

I was uncomfortable when the announcer kept saying my name at the podium when I should have been happy and grateful for these achievements.

And as the ceremony ended, I knew people were talking about the many awards I got because the people who did not even attend the ceremony said “good job” to me. While this is something I should be proud of, I felt judged that the latest conversations were about me as an overachiever. 

But beyond the Model Minority Myth, I felt like I had a lot of toxic relationships in middle school in general. I had a friend who would repeatedly cut ties with me for no reason, apologize, I would forgive, and we would be friends again. I felt like I was her puppet, accommodating our friendship to whatever mood she had that week. 

When I entered high school, I was shocked by the difference in diversity compared to that of my middle school. People at my high school had not only different demographic backgrounds but also had wide-ranging extracurriculars and test scores. This new, diverse environment made me feel more comfortable. I felt like I did not need to lie about my test scores or extracurriculars because I was not the odd man out. 

Looking back, I realized that I experienced the stereotype threat: a situational predicament in which people feel the need to conform to stereotypes about their social group.

In addition, the threat I experienced was entwined with the Model Minority Myth. This unhealthy experience is not often talked about, even though it is so common for people of color to undergo in an uninclusive environment. 

Now that I am well into high school, I notice there is a stark difference between my behavior in high school and that in middle school. When I was in middle school, I painted a picture of someone that I was not. But when I am with my friends from high school- my white, black, Hispanic, East Asian, and South Asian friends- I feel like I don’t need to fit in or change myself. I am not reminded of the Model Minority Myth every time they ask about my performance. I can be myself. 

From this situation, I learned to appreciate diversity- and not just in terms of ethnicity. Diverse interests, grades, accomplishments, socioeconomic statuses, religious beliefs, political beliefs, sexual orientations, life experiences, and so much more. It makes everybody unique, which can help evaporate unhealthy labels originated from the stereotype threat or the minority myth. The next time you see someone in a similar situation like me- someone who is afraid to speak up on their amazing accomplishments or try to overlay blend in- I encourage you to check in on them. Ask them why they are afraid to open up because the prettiest lotuses sprout open from their seed in order to blossom.