Feelings Are Never Wrong
JDT
I think the first time I ever heard the phrase “feelings are never wrong” was in the dark basement of a church in a 12-step recovery meeting. I remember it distinctly because I was totally floored by the statement and it took me some time to fully digest and accept the words as potential truth.
I’m not sure if I was allowed to have feelings when I was growing up. OK sure, you could be happy no question. But “negative” feelings? No way. As a small child, especially if I were in public, if I happened to get mad or sad about something I was shushed up in a hurry. A verbal admonishment was usually in the form of “What will people say about your parents if you are acting that way?” “Just stop it” was essentially the reason that was given for me to change my behavior, or else.
Even at home, those expressions of emotions weren’t particularly welcome. If you weren’t told to shut up you were sent to your room so your noises couldn’t be heard. We are all familiar with the classic American line of “why are you crying? I’ll give you something to cry about!”. I can’t say I heard those exact words, in English or in Mandarin for that matter, but at the same time, it was something similar. Truth be told, maybe I don’t completely remember as I’ve largely blocked a lot of those experiences out of my head.
As I grew older and had learned to reign in the raw yelling, screaming, or crying, the emotions would come out in words. At this point, I was permitted to argue or express displeasure, but seemingly only on my parents' terms. If I started getting emotional and eventually lose my cool, the slightest raising of my voice would trigger ire. How dare I raise my voice to my parents, have I no respect? I was shut down, silenced, and it was the end of the discussion. No matter if I was right or wrong, my hand had been dealt. I was summarily dismissed, basically told either to stuff my emotions or take them elsewhere.
With no available way to vent or talk things out - God forbid I see a counselor as those were only for “crazy” people - I internalized everything. Resentment eventually started to build up, and as anyone who has dealt with that before, it’s like a dam that’s bursting at the seams. Quiet rebellion, passive-aggressive behavior, and seeking pleasure through addictive behaviors all became secret ways of dealing with the pain and alleviating the pressure. Looking back, the message I interpreted was when it came to negative feelings they were wrong and I simply wasn’t supposed to feel them. So instead of feeling them and learning how to properly express them, I chose to deal with them in other ways.
I swore then that if I ever grew up and had kids of my own, they wouldn’t suffer through that and be left to figure things out on their own. When I did become a parent, I quickly found out it was easier said than done. It’s hard to deal with a toddler throwing a tantrum in the middle of a restaurant or have to listen to a teenager going off on a rant because they didn’t like something you told them. But feelings are feelings and they should be expressed, and I have determined that one of my jobs as a parent is to try to validate those feelings. My kids want to be heard and they deserve to be heard.
Don’t get me wrong, respect and honor towards one’s parents are still very important values to uphold; I don’t allow my kids to run roughshod all over me and some boundaries need to be enforced, but I try to hear them out.
I do my best to listen and try to understand their feelings, even if it involves louder voices and emotional outbursts.
Discernment is needed on timing about certain responses, whether it’s in the moment or tabled for later, but I try to engage in healthy conversation. I resist playing the card of I’m right, you’re wrong, end of story. And I certainly try my hardest to not dismiss their feelings.
Obviously, I’m far from perfect at this.
It’s not easy to listen to raw emotions. I imagine the discomfort of hearing these is what was part of the reason why I didn’t have permission to share my feelings as a child. But in addition to giving my children what I didn’t get, it’s also for their benefit. They don’t have to internalize feelings, only to see them come out sideways into some kind of self-harm, as they did for me.
I also realize I don’t have to be the sole person they talk to. If I’m not the right person to express emotions toward, they have their mother, a cousin, or a friend. And if needed, I am absolutely open to them seeing a therapist to help them process their thoughts and feelings. In fact, my kids and I have had open conversations about this avenue being open to them and I have openly shared how much therapy has helped me in my life journey.
As always, it’s a process and I continue to learn.
There are times when I may react and maybe even get defensive when strong emotions start coming out of my children instead of trying to listen. Initial reactions are hard to fight off. But I’m grateful that I’m aware of what I’m doing and know each time I have the opportunity to reset and get things right. And by getting things right, that helps change the narrative for my kids and hopefully the generations after that.